It was around 19 years ago when Shakira’s ‘Whenever, wherever’ was in the charts and I was 17 years old when I first started going out to the pubs and clubs with my friends. Back then I was a curvy and busty teen that was loving life. I had the assets that got me into the bars, and I used them. life was good and I felt great!
It was when I was 19 that my journey with depression started, but that’s not what I’m talking about in this post. It was at 19 that I turned to food and comfort ate and from there I ballooned in weight and size (I didn’t get into the Royal Navy and this really knocked me). It was from here on that I was the ‘fat friend’, the one that would make fun of herself just to feel safe. I hated it, I hated not wearing the nice dresses on nights out and I hated when my skinny friend made out with the hot guy and I was either cast to the side or well we know how that story ends…
All throughout my 20’s with one thing or another, I never really liked who I was or how I looked. I would spend a fortune on new clothes, or get my hair done for a night out in the FUBAR just to feel…pretty, to fit in. My weight went up and down but I tried to have as much fun as I could. I had relationship, some good and some toxic like I’m sure many of us have, and the one night stands, just to feel wanted by someone.
I found WW in my late 20’s, after years of abusing my body and hating it. It was time to change, and it was here that I was successful in loosing almost 4 stone with the plan. At this point, I was with my now husband and we were enjoying living together and loving life. I was loving my new figure and this new confidence I had, and I think my husband did to…..
Fast forward a few years, I’ve had Olivia and all the weight that I had lost has crept back on and some. So back to WW I went, like many before me and many after me I’m sure. Only this time I lost the 4 stone and I kept it off and I gained a new career with it. I became a WW coach and my confidence grew and grew each month. I found something I loved, that inspired me and encouraged me to be the best version of me.
Now during this time, Neil and I were having a bit of a hard time. We had just survived the 1st year with Olivia, I almost divorced him in October 2017 but that’s part of the PND and me story, (This is a separate story that I really want to tell, I don’t want others to feel alone) then we were hit with something else. I’m not ready to dive into this at the moment as it’s something that we are currently going through at this moment again, and working through it together. I was feeling, I guess hurt and neglected and well just a bit shitty.
It was then that I seen him, the man with the beard. He was kind, friendly, handsome and we got on so well together. I joked that although we were the same age, he was born in 83 and I was 84, only the best were born in 1984. So he bought me the book (1984) for the following time I seen him. Now I want to make it clear that Neil knew about all of this as it happened, this isn’t about me hooking up with someone. This was me talking to someone that I seen every now and then through a friend, and well over time it did get close to the line. Why was I doing this? Simply because for the first time in my life I felt like the pretty one, the one that was getting the attention and it felt great. Before anyone asks about when I met Neil, I still didn’t feel great about myself. In fact I would always joke that Neil was the pretty one and I was the troll… I really never thought highly of myself at all. So it felt great to feel wanted by someone when at a time I was so lost yet full of confidence in my appearance.
The flirting between us carried on for a good few months and looking back I guess it was my weapon. Something that made my husband hurt like he hurt me, and it gave me satisfaction to know that someone desired me. Like I said, Neil knew all about this and I made it very clear that nothing would ever happen. The way I described it was that the man with the beard was a shiny penny… a penny that would soon become tarnished just like all the other pennies. At this point Neil wasn’t as shiny as he once was, and this is due to what was currently going on between us at this point, but the thing with tarnished pennies is that they can become shiny again.
When you have a life changing event like loosing weight, you know the amount that changes your body and your mindset, it can be hard to adjust to the new you. It’s a whole new you, new wardrobe, new style and sometimes new attitude. It takes time to adjust and find who you are. Adding a child and a marriage on top doesn’t make it any easier I can assure you!
So, when you are finding yourself after a life changing event remember don’t trust the man with the beard…..
The motivating mum 